This year has been tough on a lot of people in the sphere of my knowledge- illness and misfortune have taken their tolls. It is enough to make one count the good things that have gone on in one's own life.
We really do not need much in this world to make us happy, but this country's morals have taught us "bigger-better-best" and" he who dies with the most toys wins." Neither are true.
My longtime friend Gloria's life would read like a bad (or good, depending on who you talked to) soap opera script. Everything that could possibly go wrong in one person's life seems to have been along her path. Bad karma from a past life? Just sheer bad dumb luck? Who knows.
I just know that when I talk with her, hear about her problems and hear also the peace with her own life in her voice, I am ashamed. I am ashamed of my own self-pitying moments, when I have so little to be thankless about.
Here's a small taste of this person's life. I feel it should be recorded now, because she doesn't have much more of it to go. Gloria started off her time as a mother as the result of being raped at 17. She kept her daughter Christina, eventually married, had another girl, divorced him after he abused her, married again, and had a boy. All these children were born before Gloria was herself much more than a child. After I had met her, she ended up going through yet another divorce, and started trying to raise 3 kids on her own.
Now, while single mothers are pretty common now, it wasn't so typical only a few short years ago and not a whole lot of people gave much help to such situations, and Gloria could've used it.
To cut things to a minimum, the oldest was pregnant at 15, the next girl at 16, the boy a father by 18. At age 38, Gloria could claim 5 grandchildren, many of which, due to her children's age and ab-use of their mother's good will, Gloria was either raising or at least paying the bills for. All this on a cashier's wage and little help from state-based institutions. Seems she made too much money......
As is not really all that uncommon in this city, the kids, all of whom look Hispanic, though they may not be fullblooded, got involved in gangs. Due to the presence of the Mexican Mafia down here, this can be a very dangerous proposition for anyone, and the babies with babies found themselves in trouble with law and gang people alike. Problem was, this took them away from parenting duties they were already not good at, leaving Gloria to worry about taking care of the grands AND trying to bail out her own kids. Doesn't sound real, does it? I've been friends with her through most of this.
I will leave out the love affairs and failures, the money problems and housing difficulties, the kids stealing from their own mother's bank account, after she had given them nearly everything they had.....Well, the list goes on so long, it gets mind boggling. I sometimes have to remind myself it is not fiction.
The pinnacle of this is the tattoo. Her son, a talented artist actually, learned how to tattoo during one of many stints in the penitentiary. When he got out, Gloria had him put a tattoo on her ankle as a reminder of a boyfriend who had been murdered by some gang over drugs. We have never learned all the details about Nick's death, but he meant far more to Gloria than was probably healthy. She never got over him. Now he, and her son's artwork, is costing Gloria her life.
A couple of years ago, Gloria was diagnosed with Hepatitis C- the worst of the lot and totally incurable. It took much thinking, but it finally came down to two possible sources: sex with a former boyfriend who was a needle user at one time, and the tattoo. The ex was fine- he got tested. The kid had used disposable needles.
What the kid had NOT done was the problem. As a person who has been tattooed repeatedly, I have learned about the pitfalls to avoid them. Hep C is just one reason. Her son failed to do something very simple: put a little ink in a seperate container, instead of dipping into the main bottle over and over........ It has cost his mother her life, and now that he's in jail again, he may never be able to look in those eyes again and find reason to apologise.
I talked with Gloria for the first time in many months this evening. Her liver is failing. She has gotten diabetes. There are days when she has to have help to merely get out of bed. She spends much of her time sleeping or watching TV. The girls have moved in, grown up a little and are now taking care of their mom's needs. The boy is still sitting on ice somewhere. His sister is raising his daughter, after his girlfriend was killed by gang members who hated HIM.
And Gloria's voice was calm, almost placid. I remember a sound similar in my mother's voice after she had been told it was time to make her peace and let what was going to happen happen. I believe it is called grace under pressure. Certainly, Gloria is under far more pressure than I have had to deal with yet in this life. She won't live to see 55.
It has brought her many things though. Her daughters have decided to be friends again, and are working to make sure their mother is looked after. Even the grandkids are helping without complaint. Gloria's brother, who more or less disowned her after their mom had died, has started talking to her again, and is trying to help how he can. Friends around her at work (we no longer work at the same place) watch out for her, and make sure she doesn't over do it. (Yes, to my surprise she is still working. Sometimes it is the thing that will help one get up when there might not be any other reason.) Even her ex-husband Henry has decided to be friends with her again.
Isn't it sad that it takes really knowing that a life in front of you is ending swiftly to make you drop the stupid bullshit you have been holding against someone? Why should it take tragedy for us to be able to love each other selflessly?
I will not be looking beneath the tree this year, wondering who is thinking of me when I am sitting alone in my house. I will look at all I have, the roof over my head, the clothes on my back, the food in my cupboard, and remember those I know who have done more with far less. I have more than I have ever needed, though not what it is I always thought I wanted. I would give up much of it to give Gloria another year or two of healthy life.
But I can't.
So I will share what time I have left with her as best I can, and pray it is enough.
A happy, peaceful, fulfilling Christmas to all. Never forget what you have, or who you love. You never know when thay might be taken away.