I have long wondered just why in this life I seem to be unable to find a relationship that I am willing to work at. I think in a moment of frustration, I have just come to an understanding about myself. I am too strong.
what I am looking for in this world is a man who is capable of giving me the same kind of love and support that he wants to get. Doesn't seem to be a really common trait in males. They all want to be mothered- or at least the ones who come to me.
I get tired of standing on my own and having to be the one who can face trial after trial after trial without falling down. I am really tired of doing it alone too.....
In the last week now, three different sets of friends, none of whom I would ever have turned down to help, have come to me. I have often described myself as a bartender- everyone wants to talk about their whoas, but no one offers to listens in return. If I served and charged for alcohol, at least I could make a living at it!
Seriously, every once in a great while I start understanding more of me. People see me as this tremendously vast reservoir of strength, failing to realize that even a reservoir must be refilled now and then. I do not seem, to me anyway, to get much back from what I give out. I have to wonder sometimes where it is I get enough of this to take care of me on top of it all. I guess that's why I am a bit of a monk. Time alone is the only regeneration tool I have.
Perhaps therein is the bigger problem. Not a whole lot of guys understand a woman needing time away from them. It feels like rejection to them, and it is tough to explain to someone how much of a drain the world is sometimes, without it sounding as though that person is part of the problem. Somewhere, there has got to be a guy strong enough to let me be the healer I am , able to let me be exactly what I need to be, and yet be capable of being there when the world crushes me a little too much. I've got a feeling he might have to be a saint......
(day or so later- sorry if I sound whiny. I was. Exhaustion can do that. I occasionally could use someone to make chicken soup for me too. Everyone does.)